The solution is simple: I have found a pet sitter. The finding, on the other hand, was not simple at all.
Over the years, petless friends have smugly suggested that I "deep down" do not want to go away when I cite pet care as an excuse. Then, when I excitedly ask them if they would like to move into my house and start hauling cat litter and taking long walks with my temperamental, beloved dog, they are magically busy.
After hectoring every friend I have to come and stay with my hairball family, I decided to look into pet services proper, place an ad in the paper and on Craigslist.
The All Canadian Pet Services Network (acpsn.com) is a professional organization of pet-care providers that offers links to pet sitters and dog walkers in cities across Canada .
How easy it all looks! There are Fairy Dogmothers and Wizards of Paws, deluxe boarding facilities and plain, arduous, scheduled walks. Home pet sitting is featured often - perfect.
Or so I thought. Most of the services contacted did not service my, let's call it shabby-chic, neighbourhood. Others prefer to board your pet in their homes or facilities (possibly erroneous images of pet dungeons dispirited me). And still others drag your dog out with a group of mutts who I fear will try to kill mine for sport.
Each response to my advertisements in the paper and online conjured the image of an insane person sticking pins in my pets' eyes. Lacking a nanny cam, I declined to meet with any of the laconic, disquieting offers.
One woman looked promising: "I am a huge animal lover and I work part-time at an animal clinic as a veterinary assistant," she wrote, yet when I called her, she wheezily began offering sordid details of her health issues and home life that chilled me.
I then met with Nigel from A Leg Up, one of the bolder advertisements in the Yellow Pages, and after discussing my pets' dietary needs and favourite toys, I asked if I could check in with the sitter while I was away. This is, apparently, bad news in sitter-land.
Services, I have learned, like to conduct their business from their home base; that is, the sitter checks in with them, and they relay information on a need-to-know basis.
But, I asked, what if I need to know that Frankie (my dog) wants me to sing Eye of the Tiger? What if one of my elderly cats wishes to mew, piteously, into the receiver?
Nigel feigned concern, and after telling me to stop calling and to e-mail him only, refused to answer any more e-mails.